Friday, January 30, 2009
The battle to give it all up?
Or the battle to fight for what you want?
Watched mobile suit gundam OO.
Yea yea some might say i no life or childish.
Watching anime so late into the night and stuff.
But sometimes when you really look into war
Even as they said.
Children can teach you things.
Children can remind you of things you've forgotten.
These are part of life that we learn.
Everything that we see and do.
We experience and learn.
Charmaine. Why do i miss you so much.
My friends are asking me about what i'm doing.
I dont know what i'm doing.
I wanna tell you.
That message its in my hands.
I've sent a message like that before.
But it ended up stuck in my outbox.
Why. Is this fate telling me i cant tell you?
Is it cant tell you YET?
Or cant tell you at all?
Char .. Just thinkin of how cute you are.
How carin you are.
I know its hard.
Life is hard.
Life for me? I made it hard.
Yes i've alot of regrets.
But what can i do now?
I only can sit by and wait.
Time is passing.
And i can only watch.
I wanna do more.
But i dont wanna let you go.
I wonder how you think.
And what you feel..
Okay i could not tell her.
I tried again.
But i've failed.
Maybe i should just find someone else.
Actually i'm trying to like someone.
Someone i can use to dispose my thoughts on.
But the thoughts.
And the feelings never match up.
And in the end i just have to bear the pain.
The heartache -.- Which i myself created.
Which i myself will endure.
But i'll be waiting.
No matter whatever happens to you.
I would really wanna love you.
Love is a painful thing.
Without it you long for it.
With it you detest it but some adore it with no regrets.
Sad and tragic.
But will be remembered.
Loving too much can lead to obsession
I'll probably have to give up for now.
And wait till i take on my studies again.
Where i'll find someone else right?
If not till than i'll be trying for you.
Ravey blogged @ 1/30/2009 04:21:00 AM
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The feeling that i just wanna hug someone so close is so "strong"
Hiaz i dont wanna have anyone with me.
I dont wish to fall in love either.
But than again. Why does my feelings urge for these kinda things.
What i am. Who i am. What i wanna do and why.
Why do i even want to do this.
Why do i even bother.
They say the person you are.
Is how you're brought up.
I wish i could be more cold hearted.
A person who does not care.
I'm not a cold hearted person 2 a certain extend.
But i wish i could be a "real" loner.
So i dont have any "cravings"
Nor any desires for being with people.
But "its said" humans are not meant to be alone.
It hurts so much everywhere.
Physcial pain
can never compare to the intensive pain.
Of the feelings.
Emotions.
It'll not go away.
And just linger within urself.
If you have a variety of choices.
Of course you'd choose.
But if you dont..
Than you'll have to live with what you have.
Even if its nothing.
What kinda person am i?
I myself dont know.
I just wanna believe that i'll not hurt anyone.
And i will protect those i want to.
Ravey blogged @ 1/27/2009 02:48:00 PM
Sunday, January 25, 2009
How should i express myself.
Whats the "right" thing to do?
Sighs -.- met charmaine today.
Actually deep inside i just wanted to stay by herside.
But i know i cant do that.
I cannot do this to her.
Anyways. She's so cute xD
She's 1 head shorter den me though
But thats not a problem
Wanted to take a picture with her.
But i could'nt ask..
Anyways. I also dont know what i want.
Char? I'll wait.
I'll wait for the day to come.
Where i'll stand a chance to win your heart.
As a responsible guy.
A responsible adult.
And a loving Boyfriend.
Ravey blogged @ 1/25/2009 12:56:00 AM
Saturday, January 24, 2009
So many things happened within the past few days.
Don't wanna say much either.
But i'm slowly forgetting.
I'm slowly "moving on"
Someone "proposed" to me.
I rejected.
Somehow i'm feeling super depressed but actually not really.
I just don't know what i want in life.
And i'm not interested in LOVE anymore in a way.
I want it, But i'm finding the right kinda love.
Yes i admit i still love Charmaine.
But i'm getting over her.
Work is getting better :D
Life is getting lamer.
Its going to be Chinese new year le.
And i dont know anything.
I had a chance to meet Charmaine.
But than again i dint take it.
I dont wanna see her.
She's in love and i dont wanna think about her anymore.
Its for her good.
Its for my good in a way.
Wells. Fate has taken a turn.
My life is complicated.
They said so in "fortune telling"
And whatsoever nots
But i cant be bothered.
I'm going to smoothen the edges.
Flatted the rocks.
And make the worse fun.
At least try.
I'm just human.
I wish i had "abilities" to do more.
But the fact is that i cant.
A ladder to climb.
A goal to achieve.
A feeling to conquer.
A empty heart to fill.
A mind to process.
A thought that'll benefit.
A dream to fulfill.
A life to live..
Ravey blogged @ 1/24/2009 02:27:00 AM
Monday, January 19, 2009
I've no life.
I've no reason to lie.
Why do i keep doing these emotional mind set games with myself and others.
Why do i keep thinking about things which are not true.
And make myself believe in the things which are not.
So many stupid questions.
Was thinking of charmaine today.
Suddenly she msged me want to return me my bag.
Was kinda stumped.
But anyways i dont know.
I dont feel like doing anything.
Wells we'd probably meet up for lunch or something.
But whats the point.
Today i also asked Hilda this question.
If you love someone and that person is already engaged.
And that person is probably happy with the one she's with.
What would you do?
I'd just give up and find my own happiness.
Where do i find that happiness?
I wish i could ya know.
I'm not good looking or smart or anything
Who would want a stupid guy like myself.
I mean i want to be able to look after the one i love and stuff.
Hiaz. I made so many personal promises.
But than again i cant keep so many again.
So many things i've to do
But yet i cant
I'm getting old. I'm losing control.
I'm not going to be able to absorb and turn back the time.
Even if i really want to.
How do i put the pieces together.
Love eh? What is love?
I want it but yet i cant have it.
I might get it but yet i turn it down.
What is love? Its a feeling right?
So many things running through my head.
All the mixed up feelings.
How can i get myself and things straight?
Charmaine. What is it that i should do?
Tell me. I really want to know.
I just want to give it all up.
You know . God i think you're showing me an answer to my questions.
You're showing me the opening.
I want to see her
You're giving me that chance.
How am i going to take that chance and settle this problem?
Its all up to me aint it?
Its all already in ur hands. Isin't it?
My own as well.
I wont be in for a positive answer.
But i just want to know how far i can go
What is the limits of my self.
How far and long can i wait.
How much i can hold on to this love i think it is.
I just wanna be there.
No matter what it is.
There with you.
Making you smile and be happy.
But if i cant forfill that.
I'll just have to sink to the bottom and blind myself within the darkness.
And just forget..
And just forget about everything
There's an answer.
But which is the best option and answer to choose?
Tell me why am i stuck.
Its all my own fault and problem aint it.
I just wish the mistakes people make.
The person you love.
Will not be falling into a physical love.
And a love thats within the heart instead.
I just wish you to love w/o regrets.
Live life without regrets.
Thats what life is.
Its about living it to the fullest.
Without regrest.
Ravey blogged @ 1/19/2009 02:14:00 AM
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Today i though to myself.
Its not about love. Its not about responsibilities.
Its about the real world and life.
I love you so much can you bear to let go?
We love each other so much but than we're not able.
I'm not able to support you.
I'm not able to fulfill my role as a husband.
I'm not able to be a loving husband due to overwhelming work
Financial problems.
I try, I want to be better i want to make life better.
I want you to be happy.
But i cant always be by your side.
I know. Love is not materialistic.
But Now. Without money.
What can you do?
Charmaine i just wish that i was not so dumb.
I wish that i'd taken the opportunity to study.
I wish that i'd have the chance to just let you know that deep inside i really miss you.
Think about you whenever i'm alone.
Just wonder if you're doing fine.
Hoping you'll keep your promises and just smile.
I know you've ur bad sides too.
But than again.
I'm such a lousy guy.
I try so hard.
But yet no matter how much i try.
It always does not seem to be good enough
I'm on the verge of giving up in everything.
I always have been.
Sometimes you can sit on a ledge
And just feel like pushing yourself out.
Dying?Or just landing on your feet.
I dont wish to go through heartbreaks and pains.
I know that we might be able to be something.
A relationship that can last.
Might last.
But no matter how i see things. I'm not good enough to help you.
To be there for you, with you.
To see you grow up and study.
To pick you up when you fall and hold you when you're feeling down.
I really want to be that person in your eyes.
But In life i know. I cant. Maybe i can?
But Char. I wish i knew how to tell you.
I wish i knew how you feel.
i wish i know alot of things.
I just want you to know
There's a stupid guy out there
Dying to love you.
But he knows.
He should not.
End of the day?
I've just wasted another day away.
Ravey blogged @ 1/15/2009 09:27:00 PM
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Boring day.
Boring life.
Mixed up emotions.
Dragging myself to work.
Work has nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm just missing you so much.
Ravey blogged @ 1/14/2009 11:45:00 PM
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
I'm having memory problems
So many things i've though about
So many things i wanna say
But i've forgotten them all
Talked to charmaine online today xD
So thrilled and happy.
But than again hahas...
She "remembers" me
But we're not close at all actually.
I wish we were.
Somehow i dont know -.-
Am i taking things too seriously?
Am i thinking too far?
Whats love?
Whats a relationship?
What do we do in a relationship?
What should i do?
Read this manga...
No matter who came onto him
He rejected because he loves this girl so much.
But in my scenario?
I'm ugly. -.- Nobody likes me
She's so distant and attached.
What can happen ya?
Miracles?
To believe and not to believe.
What should 1 do in his desperate times.
Sighs -.- I wish i could be the one holding her.
Telling her and just protecting her.
Making sure she's growing up happily
Seeing her smile.
Ensuring she eats and maintain healthy physically
And "mentally"
Ensure she wont have any regrets.
What should i do?
How can i do this?
I'm here now.
Sitting down and wasting my life away.
Sighs -.-
Ravey blogged @ 1/13/2009 11:46:00 PM
Monday, January 12, 2009
Today the O level-ers went to collect their results.
I'm very happy for her.
She apparently did quite well!
But what more can i do than be happy for her?
Its her life..
Hopefully she lives it well.
Thats all i can hope for her right?
Love is genuine.
Sighs =/
Anyways..
I just hope my heart will stop aching.
Even if i think or dont think about her.
Why must it be her.
And she just keeps telling me to be "friends" in a way.
Zzzz. I know i'm hopeless and useless.
But.
Is it really going to be this way?
Sighs. What am i looking for
What is it i need and want?
What is it that is necessary.
Today i went to watch bedtime stories.
It was quite funny to a certain extend
But than again.
It kinda sucked =/
Hahas. Funny. And retarded
I'm just feeling dam moody.
To be happy yet devastated at the same time
Hopefully i can keep up with this emotional stress.
Ravey blogged @ 1/12/2009 11:56:00 PM
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I wish i knew what to do.
I wish i knew what i want.
I wish i had something to take my mind off everything.
I came across this wonderful book about love at kino.
But its gonna cost me 35 dollars.
I decided to pass on it.
=/ Maybe i'll consider o.0 It seems very good.
Sighs. -.-
Why cant i stop thinking about you sia .
Everytime i wanna let go.
I just feel that i cant.
I just want to have you there with me and stuff ya know?
Its just so hard when you've no one else.
Wishing i had a chance.
Whatever -.-
If i really had a chance with someone else
I think i might just take it.
But Not with jowent.
-.-
I'm sorry but you seriously dont appeal to me at all.
Though you're the "matching" one in a certain sense.
But I think i've higher "requirements"
Sighs -.- What the hell am i doing to begin with .
This freaking sucks.
And i'm working at NY again -.-
So many changes.
So annoying -.-
Ravey blogged @ 1/11/2009 11:56:00 PM
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Went shopping today for work tomorrow.Sian sia -.- Spend quite abit of money.But oh wells~ its k~ better to have than not to have.Anyways -.- I'm down with a sickening flu.Always happens when i intake too much sweet stuff.Basically sugar.Jowent went with me.
So boring -.-Buy stuff from LP zone and a pair of shoes from converse.Dont wish to remind myself of the amount i spent.Than she dint wanna go home.
Den we wasted 2 hours at the arcade.Loitering and playing some of the lame games around there.Arghs my hearing -.-My ears are not feeling too good. -.-Thats not good.I need more rest.
Ravey blogged @ 1/10/2009 11:07:00 PM
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Today Sylvie is going back to Switzerland
Wells i think i'm abit upset and just i dont wanna let go.
But wells i'll confess the truth la ya?
We were almost together b4We held hands, She took my 1st kiss.
Wells maybe i just gave in to that moment but i could not rid myself of that "addiction"
Anyways. We dint get together because she had a boyfriend already.
I know i'm stupid and a %$^&*-er to get into their relationship.
But than again. I know that as well.
Thats why i gave her up and told her this shall be the end.
When i met her again.
I could not remove the feeling of just that we're friends.
I cant just look at her and tell her we were more than that.
The past.. Was horrible.
The present situation is scary.
The future. Is mysterious.
Memories to be rememberedMistakes to be corrected.
Things to be learnt.
Experience to be shared.
Time to embrace.
And love to make all things perfect.
I've to do something about this because.Its me that cant do anything about it.
I'm weak emotionally.
I've to make some sacrifices to make things work out.
Move on.
Just to make it through.
Looking at my ex blog. So many things..
Her current "heading"
Reflections of you and me.
Reflections eh?Memories or what?
The battle of the mind , soul , desire, needs, wants...
I want you . But i know i cant.
So i've to remove you.
Thats what my ex did to me.
Thats what i've to do to you as well.
Its not the best thing to do.But its one way for the both of us to just move on.
Its for our own good.
Its for the future.
5 years down the road.
IF you still think of me.
If you still "want" me.
You'll know how to find me.
Somewhere. Somehow.Because i'll be there.
Ravey blogged @ 1/08/2009 10:08:00 PM
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Finally my off day~!
I've been waiting for this day for like 9 days!
Wheee!
Sleepy lei!
T_T Never mind i'll dominate everyone and my games tomorrow
Or maybe just go out.
Sighs.
To forget about the past.
But must i really let go of everything that i've?
I dont right?
But materialistic things i'll keep
But the actual thing i'll just delete it from my life.
I'm sorry if i'm being stupid.
But i cant have my supposed to be girlfriend
Who was holding my hand.
Being next to me.
It feels so Hard to resist.
It feels so Hard to let go.
Its just so hard to do anything.
I dont know what i'm saying.
But.
I've personal promises to keep
Ravey blogged @ 1/07/2009 10:18:00 PM
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Thinking about what Sylvie said.
Yea yea i know what i'm doing and stuff.
Please la -.- I know what i need to do
But somehow the way you say things
Just always make me seem like i'm in the wrong.
Or i'm just saying this to irritate you or piss you off.
But somehow its like you cant seem to find the intention between my lines.
And cant you just like tell me straightforwardly.
Instead of how you always do things of going one big round?
I can sense alot of emotions and frustration and just that stupid feeling.
But what i can i do much about this right?
Anyways -.- I dont really wanna think so much.
As long you know what you're doing.
Feel good about yourself.
Be confident.
Live life happily.
Let me know you're happy or if i can help you in anyways.
Just do it.
I'll be there and stuff what so ever.
Life sucks to a certain extend.
Unless we can spend it with someone thats there for us.
I wont say i want you.
But i just want you in a certain way
As my friend.
But somehow..
We seem so distant.
Therefore i must just let my arms out and just.
Let go because.
I dont wish to have any misunderstanding between us.
I dont wish to have any wrong idea.
We miss each other.
Nothing much about that.
We were almost an "item" once than what?
You were my 1st in alot of things b4.
I did alot of stupid things.
But i never regretted.
I still keep the shoes we went to buy together.
I still have the memories.
I still remember .
But whats the point right?
Till today somethings change somethings dont.
You seem to have grown and changed.
Abit in the positive way.
I'm glad.
But still its not enough?
Or maybe it is just that i'm not the type of person that can help you.
You're just too "high" and i'm just someone trying to help you to my best.
But my best?
Is not being accepted by you.
You either dont want to accept it?
Or you just have other plans.
I dont blame you
I know i'm so dam freaking pathetic.
But than again.
I dont care what others or you think.
I just want to know that i've done a part in helping.
No matter what i've helped with.
I know i've tried and did what i could.
You can say i'm bad. I'm not good or just trying to force something outa us.
But you're wrong because thats not what i want to do.
I cant control myself
I dont know whats wrong.
Somehow i know its not right to be lustful or whatsoever.
But you know its just that when you've held that persons hand b4.
And that person is like so close to you.
You just want to hold it and feel safe.
I dont know -.-
Sighs. Security and Company.
Its so hard to mix things up.
But yet.
Its so simple to just let our bodies just run with the flow.
But yet we cant.
Bringing back the topic i said in my previous blog.
Desires vs necessities.
I Desire you.
But i dont need you because you're not meant for me.
But yet.
I dont know -.-
Whats love ?
Seriously?
If you've feelings for me
And i've feelings for you
Is that love?
A crush?
Or just some kinda intimacy that we desire?
Just dont wanna think about this ya?
You're just sooo outta my reach.
This is just so stupid.
I'm just so stupid -.-
I wish i could be stronger.
Smarter. Tougher.
I want to do more.I want to help more people.
But i'm just too helpless myself.
Feel like just giving up.
Ravey blogged @ 1/06/2009 09:10:00 PM
Monday, January 5, 2009
Today work was kinda hell.
Last night i had alota dreams.
Today i met Sylvie.
We ate swensons at bugis.
After that we slacked for 3 mins and than i sent her home.
So sad right?
But yea i really missed her
I think i do.
I know i do actually.
Wells. Afterall we had a chance.
Maybe we still have.
But its kinda hard. Hahas.
Life eh?
Dont go.
I want you here..
Ravey blogged @ 1/05/2009 09:12:00 PM
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Work was..
Okay laa.
Love life is suckish la!
Charmaine is.. Attached la.
She's happy lo.
I'm losing myself-.-
Trapped between my "love" and my meaning of "love"
Arghs.
So frustrating that i'm going crazy.
So irritating. So pissed -.-
Just.. Let me see you again and tell you.
That i wan you to tell me you hate me.
Thats how much i want to let you go and have ur happiness.
Let me hate myself.
Let me detest myself.
Let me be the lowest lifeform.
I just dont wanna suffer in this agony anymore.
Whats love?
I dont know. I just wish it was something not that painful and mind consuming.
I just wanna be a loner..
Ravey blogged @ 1/04/2009 10:52:00 PM
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Work sucks.
x] What more can i say thats untrue. Cas its true!
WORK SUCKS lol
And everyone is falling ILL!! Zomg -.-
I'm sick -.-
I'm tired. T_T.
And i want a break.
Ravey blogged @ 1/03/2009 09:38:00 PM
Friday, January 2, 2009
Happy birthday grands! =x
A year older. A year "Wiser" yea yea.
According to alison. Older = Better in everything.
Such nonsense. Being the same age as others and the younger students than you score better.
Is that considered being better?
Please la nonsensical la.
Anyways. Today talk to my cousins.
All doing so well.
I feel like a total idiot.
Oh wells i wished i had stupid friends =x
LOL Better not x]
Why would i wanna wish downfall upon my friends right?
Sheesh i'm so jealous -.-
Everyone's growing up.
Look at those kids!
2 years ago they were like "not there"
But now you can see them.
Char char. I'm leaving you like this?
While you're growing up.
I wish i could be there watching you grow up with me.
Hahas probably just my stupid mind thinking about happiness.
While my inner self knows no peace.
Sheesh I'm sleepy.
Nites~
Ravey blogged @ 1/02/2009 09:37:00 PM
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Be wilded by the past.
Afraid of the future.
Tired of the present.
I'm not really lively am I?
Traumatised by my past..
Abit sian.Keep having weird thoughts. -.-
But somehow somewhere Its not possible at all.
Watch too much movies liao.
Life is not what it seems is it?
Its the new year. 2009
Soon everything will begin.
Soon everything will end.
Life is like this ain't it?
Take this step.
And don't look back.
To achieve true power.
You've to abandon everything else.
Char char. I love you.
I wanna tell you this for a very long time le.
But i don't feel that i'm good enough.
Whats love really right?
Hearing people say that they've been together for 9 years.
5 years. Does that make me a loser?
I'm not afraid of being a loser.
But i want you to be happy.
Would you be happy with me?
I don't know where I've gone so wrong no matter what i do.
But its either i try too hard.
Or i make a very bad mistake because of who i am.
What is love really?
Sighs.
Work is tiring.
Work is boring.
Working makes me super sleepy.
Sighs. I'm not really wanting a relationship
I just want to hang out with friends.
Sit at parks.
Run around have fun.
Try new things. See new places.
But being alone i feel so restrained.
So constricted to so few ideas and variety's.
Imagine you going to anywhere alone and just sitting there.
Sighs it just sucks when you've nothing. -.-
Ravey blogged @ 1/01/2009 07:27:00 PM
